My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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