Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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