So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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