I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
