No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
not ubering you a puppy
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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