he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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