I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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