Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
