I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
