i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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