So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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