its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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