drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
