btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
