Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
