i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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