I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
