Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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