How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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