i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
