Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
