corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
