mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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