my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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