You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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