i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
