I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My cat gives me a boner
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
