My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
