I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
