all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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