He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
