If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
