Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
