Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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