I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
