three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well I just put wine in my tea
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
