Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
