her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
