I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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