she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
