Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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