whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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