u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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