I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
