We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
