Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
