I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I did not marry a roomba.
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