remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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