Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
