She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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