If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
