I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
